so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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