I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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