Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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