we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
