Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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