what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
