And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
