all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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