She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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