my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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