So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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