it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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