Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
