I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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