The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
