Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
