We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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