my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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