Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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