I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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