just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
being pregnant is like rehab
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
