he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
