apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
