How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
