Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
