there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
