U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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