there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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