Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
