I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
