can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
