What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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