Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
