I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Houston, we have a squirter
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
