You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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