Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
