Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
