the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
