You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
