I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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