we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
