my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
