My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
