He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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