I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wish there were birth control emojis
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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