I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is Oprah even human
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
