I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
