so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
