Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
