i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
