I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
At least Iām an āessential employeeā and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesnāt ask why Iām essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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