I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
