I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
