Can i not drive my cunt home
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
