it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
