Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
