I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
