Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
