sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
