Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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