I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
