Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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