Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
