god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
