remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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