Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
